Dark Nights of the Soul

Light SHINES in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5


Shhhh! Let me tell you my top secret strategy. My story telling strategy has been to first introduce you to my Trinity before introducing myself.

Weird God, Friend Jesus, and Hank are the reason I’m alive to tell you my story. It is vital to have an understanding of who yanked me out of the darkness before I vulnerably share about the depths of my darkness.

Yes. This is my story. I’ve been strong. I’ve been brave. But I have had a lot of supernatural help along the way.

I’ve been very very lost before. I have seasons where I’m not okay. In the days ahead I will be sharing stories about these times. I believe that we can’t appreciate the magnitude of someone’s victories if we don’t first have a revelation of the depth of their struggle.

Please follow me in the struggle, for it is there that you will also share in my redemption, recompense, and healing.

In the days to come I will be sharing vulnerably about what I have walked through. Some of these topics include:

Childhood trauma and PTSD, Cancer, The car accident that earned me the nickname “Christmas Miracle”, Suicide, Infertility, Postpartum depression, Having a child with special needs, Miscarriage, and Loss

If you feel lost, it’s okay. I do too sometimes. I haven’t arrived yet. But I do hope that my transparency will help light the way for you when you can’t find the path out of the darkness. I’ve needed the encouragement of others to light my way too.

After all, light and darkness can’t coexist. When we walk in a dark room we don’t say “Hey! Could somebody please turn down the darkness”. No. We simply turn on a light and the darkness is extinguished.

May my stories help to extinguish some darkness in you, my fellow warrior.

Hank (Holy Spirit)

I am learning so much so fast. God has taken me on the most amazing adventure this last month or so. It is amazing what doors will open before you when you live surrendered to the One who holds they keys to all the doors!

To begin I would just like to state that I often find myself surprised about how much I don’t know. Many of the things that I don’t know seem to fall in the category of “Christianity 101”. I don’t know some of the basics. For example, I know about The Trinity. I could explain them to you in theory. However, I don’t actually know The Trinity.

I have had an ongoing dialogue with The Lord that looks like this:

“God, which one of you do I address in prayer? If You are in Heaven and The Holy Spirit (HS) is on earth, then do I pray to HS and He relays the message back up to you? Or, if Jesus is in my heart then does He make intercession FOR me from IN me? Is Jesus seated at Gods right hand or in my actual heart? Is asking Jesus into a heart even a real thing? I confessed with my mouth and believed in my heart that Jesus is Lord. Does that mean that He literally resides in my heart organ? Or, is my heart a metaphor for my mind,will, and emotions? In that case Jesus actually dwells in my soul? And who in the world is the HS and what exactly is His role in my life? Why do some people call Him THE HS and others call Him just HS? I feel Him all over me. Does that mean I am “filled with Him”? Is He like the yummy cream filling in a Twinkie? Please God settle this for me!”

You know a story is going to be good when someone prefaces it by saying “I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried”! Well, this is going to be a doozie. Disclaimer: This post may challenge your religious thinking. Not everyone lives life expecting weird supernatural encounters. No worries friend. I didn’t used to either. Once I learned that the word “weird” is actually defined as “pertaining to destiny”, I started embracing the weird. I own it now 🙂

So one day I was driving alone in the car and I struck up a conversation with whatever part of The Trinity was listening. I made a wild guess and pictured the HS sitting in the passenger seat. I was complaining about how frustrated I get when my kids ignore me. I asked for extra grace and wisdom to run my home. I told The HS that I bet He could relate. It seems as though He is the most ignored person in the church. (Solid burn)

What happened next was most unexpected. My “invisible passenger” suddenly spoke up. He said “You are having trouble understanding me because of my name. HS is an adjective and what you need is a noun. Please, call me Hank.”

Me: (almost driving off of the road) “Get behind me satan! Um, I mean, WHAT WAS THAT? HS did you just casually invite me to call you HANK??!! If it was really You then You would have known about me that the only thing I would find more confusing than calling you HS is calling you Hank! I picture a hitchhiker in a red flannel shirt when I hear the name “Hank”. I ain’t doin’ it.

I proceeded to turn my back toward the passenger seat in an effort to ignore my weird passenger. Before I did I got the impression that He had big gentle brown eyes, dark hair and a beard, an actual red flannel shirt, and a big smile. The smile stuck with me. It was the smile that one only has when they know something that you don’t know. It was more of a very joyful smirk. Maybe the church has it right. Maybe He is the weird One of The Trinity. Maybe He has gone rogue. Maybe I should just join them in ignoring Him.

A few days passed. I began questioning if any of that had actually happened. Out of nothing more than morbid curiosity I decided to look up what the name “Hank” means. I have learned That God often times hides meaning in names. I was hoping that definition would help to settle in my heart that I wasn’t actually certifiably crazy.

I now understand why my invisible hitchhiking passenger was smiling so big. It turns out He did know something that I didn’t know. The name “Hank” means “authority of the home”. If I had been driving when I read that I would have most assuredly run off of the road! Only My God could put an end to my confusion AND define His Spirit’s roll in my life with just one word! He is Hank, and He is in charge of my home.

I smiled a smug smile of my own. It WAS God talking to me (through the HS) and I wasn’t actually crazy! I smiled even bigger as I thought about being welcomed by God to go casual with Him. He created the world, yet He gave me a personal name for Him. Lastly, I smiled as the following scenario played out in my head…

“Kids! You better stop ignoring me and pay attention! Don’t you make me get Hank!”

A few weeks have past now and I am getting comfortable with Hank. I call on Him by name to guide me in affairs of my home. I even have the best visual of Him now. I picture myself sitting down and having a casual conversation with this guy…

What The Blog?

I don’t blog. I craft weapons that inspire and equip armies.

Welcome to my blog! You have probably never read a blog like this before, because you have probably never met a person like me before.

Get used to different.

WARNING! Do not read this blog if…

-You miss the heart of a message if grammar and editing aren’t perfect. I don’t bother with perfection.

-You are afraid of being challenged.

I am a wife, mom of 4, and adventure enthusiast. My career was as a Leisure Professional…but not the kind you think. I was a white water rafting guide, climbing and rappelling instructor, high ropes course facilitator, team building coach, backpacking trip guide, and specialized in wilderness survival. Surprised? Most people are.

I “settled down” when it was time to have kids. I’ve learned over the last decade that a relationship with God can be the biggest adventure of all. He longs to take us to new places and teach us the wonders of the supernatural world! But sometimes we have to surrender our deeply held religious beliefs to experience relationship as an adventure.

Get used to being challenged.

This blog is not:

  • Meant to teach or counsel
  • Specifically political, or religious.
  • A devotional.
  • Specifically about marriage or parenting.
  • Pro-church or anti-church
  • Completely reverant
  • Going to leave your beliefs unchallenged

Get used to adventure.

This blog absolutely has an agenda. I will be up-front about it so you wont have to wonder.

My agenda is to illustrate through story that a relationship with God is the most amazing epic adventure! It is time delineation, dreams and visions, healing the sick and raising the dead. It is translating to other places, seeing in to other realms, loving the unlovable, hearing His voice, speaking His words, and having reality be completely redefined.

(Hmmmm. She sounds like a mystic new-ager.)

Well, you had better read my blog to find out for sure! And just in case you need to hear it, I believe Jesus is Lord. There. Glad we addressed that.

Get used to transformation.

I was one way, and now I am completely different. And the thing that happened in between was HIM.” (Mary Magdalene, The Chosen)

I encountered the unmistakable, paradigm shifting, life changing, identity revealing, true love of The Father about 6 years ago. My adventure began that day, and hasnt stopped since. The day His love got ahold of me I began living christianity as a lifestyle instead of a religious preference. I still went to church, but I also BECAME the church. I stopped believing that Jesus died to get me in to heaven, and began believing that Jesus died to get heaven IN TO ME. I started living FROM the cross instead of TO the cross. I stopped focusing on what I was saved FROM and began focusing on what I was saved TO.

Get used to weird.

Not long after I began living my epic adventure with God, I realized something profound. God is weird. God is really, really, really weird. He is not at all what I had been taught, He is not at all what I had believed. He was way weirder!

(If you are waiting for God to smite me for my disrespect, you may also need to get used to disappointment.)

WEIRD: Adj “pertaining to destiny” (archaic/original definition)

If God is weird and weird means “pertaining to destiny”, then I want to be weird too! And that is what this blog is about. Me being a lifestyle Christian, living relationship as an adventure, and being transformed in to His weird image.

Are you curious about what adventuring with Weird God looks like? Then read on! Or don’t. I wont be offended if you never read my blog. Ive been blogging for more than 5 years, and readers come and go. Please feel free to pop in, get challenged, then take a break to go examine your beliefs. Whether you ever read a post on my blog or not, please go live your adventure with Weird God. It is never to late to begin.

“Light SHINES in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

(John 1:5)

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